i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
