I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
