You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
