I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
my poor anus
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The air taste purple.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
