Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
