Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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