alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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