Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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