i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
