just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
