I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
