Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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