I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
