just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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