You can't motorboat a personality
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
