I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
