The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
