I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
