Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
