The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
