I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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