i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
