it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
