I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
