I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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