the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
