Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
