Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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