im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
