you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
