My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
