I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
We smell like vodka and hangover
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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