just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
