I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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