none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You've changed since you got that strap on
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
