when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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