Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
