Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize