I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
