There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
