we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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