Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
