she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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