I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
