Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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