My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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