If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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