If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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