he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
