some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
