I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
