I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
