Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
