I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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