I cannot find my penis.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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