he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
