How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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