just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
